The heart, often referred as the emotional organ of the body is actually achamber of undiscovered secrets that has been forced to manage emotions apart from purifying and pumping blood over years. Do we notice that when someone is our well-wisher we term them pure-heart whereas someone with ill-wishes is called evil heart. The building called heart has the shape of a spade without a tail. Right now with you, I will explore the heart building right from its main gate.
I feel confusion at the very instance of opening this main gate due to this inexplicably delicate balance of cool and warm air that makes this place disturbingly comforting. There is a huge hall or say foyer with 2 gates on opposite sides. There is a red door on my right and a black one on the left, but isn’t the heart supposed to be totally red? So many questions are pacing in my mind.
Let me just see what is unusual here, human tendency we all know! I choose the black door and Oh my God! The room is full of more doors, drawers and gates. I am perplexed about these findings yet I choose to open the largest door searching for something interesting, big and valuable but on opening it, I see a huge round ball resembling the sun that has started to feast upon me as my expectations are broken. I am growing impatient and losing control but the ball is growing larger each moment! What can this be? Holy God, this is my anger! Now to get rid of this uncontrolled ball of heat I need peace, tranquility and patience. Where do I get it? God! Help me! I calm myself down after a lot of howling and cribbing. I chant God’s name keeping all the possible hope and faith. My calmness reduces my anxiety. Now I feel powerful to push it back and succeed in my attempt.
What a horrible beginning! I think my heart is playing mind games with me. Is it just the black part of the foyer or the entire heart is this venomous?
This time I cautiously open another door. Thus, comes out a ferocious uncontrolled dragon. Oh! What did I just set free? It turns and twists in the room restlessly violent and in an untamed style. It intends to destruct itself and others; doesn’t want to understand or see life with a different perspective. Luckily enough I know the two mantras to kill this mighty beast; I utter almost immediately ‘forgive me’ and ‘let go of me’. Almost immediately it shrinks and disappears gradually. This violent, impossible to conquer, fierce beast is called grudges! I still wonder what all resides in an area of me. What is next?
Let me be a little risk averse this moment, slowly I shift to the drawers and open the smallest one which appears harmless. Empty? Why and How? Slowly an suddenly a fume is arising in front of my eyes, I run to the corner of the room, my breath fast, rapid palpitations, restlessly panting and all the more scared as my vocal chords fail to support me in my effort to scream and shout. When the fume settles, a slimy, obnoxious and uglylizard appears and then it starts to grow at an exponential rate and I seem to shrink in front of it. I feel uneasy and my stomach grumbles. I hold a wall and plead “Oh! God what is this? Help me out!” with closed eyes. Nothing happens and then slowly I open my eyes to see nothing around me at all. Was it an imagination of something that does not exist? Am I just anticipating something dangerous? Am I just fearful? Had I kept faith, maybe it would have not scared me so much and vanished in no time. What a menace this exploration is? Fear scares us only till we close our eyes, but the moment we are open to reality fear disappears.
Next in the row of drawers, I hope there is something beautiful; but when I open another one, my teeth clench against each other; breathing is rapid; muscles become stiff as I desire something beautiful and end up finding something else. I wanted this drawer to contain something but it is asempty as the other one! How is it possible that after so many efforts and facing danger there is nothing in the drawer to explore? I just hate these drawers! I feel like putting this horrendous room to fire. Maybe I am expecting too much from myself; wanting things which necessarily do not have to exist. I just turn around to find a small door.
I enter another room and Ah! This seems promising. I am trying really hard to open this mysterious brown box but it has no locks or key. I have nothing to open it, no tools, no hammer nothing! I think I have to break this but on throwing it but nothing happen. With a finger nail I scrape it and it unveils layer after layer like a ball of wool. It’s endless, what is it? Ah! It’s my frustration that I have gathered due to unfulfilled desires, wants, wishes and expectations. Don’t I guard myself from these useless things? I feel so upset; there isn’t anything beautiful in my heart.
Let me go to the corridor and find more gates. On the left side I find a few doors and I choose the big one, larger than my height. With herculean effort I open the door but I immediately feel weak, something is sucking away my joy. I enter the room, which is dark and as I move deeper I am losing my energy, elation, happiness and hope. Nothing seems right or good. I finally find something, a black cape! I try on the cape but on wearing it I am morose, continuously crying, cribbing, complaining, hurt, disappointed with all of my life. Sadness and pessimism has enveloped me. I think I must run off from this place and leave this cape here itself. Such a relief! Life appears to be a boon.
I muster courage and open the next door which seems jammed but on entering the room I find happy and successful pictures of all the people I know; cousins, relatives, friends, uncles, aunts, batch-mates, classmates, neighbors, everyone except me. I feel an unbearable heat within. Why are they happy and not me? Where am I in this happy room? Why are they more successful? Why do they earn more than me? Why do they have perfect relations? Why does xyz look younger than me still richer than me at the same time? I so want to snatch it all from them. How dare they have everything? I will devastate them. I curse them, they will lose it all! Why can’t I have it? God, why did you write my fate like this? There is burning rage in me, I want to destruct their world of happiness and thus all their so called happiness will belong to only me. I faint and recover to find handcuffs of jealousy and ill-will around my wrists. How will I explore other rooms now?
Let them progress, I don’t care; let them smile and be happy, I am not bothered; this pain of being tied is inexplicable, I think. Suddenly the handcuffs disappear. This means I have to think, wish, pray and mean well for myself as well as others. I have to be content with what I have because whatever I deserve will come to me eventually. I have to believe in peace and contentment.
Finally I open the last gate in this corridor before I can head back to the main foyer that lead me to this dark black side; I find a smart phone ringing loudly. I pick it up, it stops ringing but there is not even a missed call notification, message or incoming call. How can it be? This mobile makes me anxious. Why is it here, ringing without a purpose? Who was the caller and what did he want to convey? How is it possible that the last room in this chamber has an open ended question, not a treasure?
This is ridiculous, neither my past experiences were good, nor this impresses me. Maybe I am the worst kind of human that exists. As I am about to move out I see a full length mirror and a stone. I am depressed to have found hopeless things in this discovery. I would like to finish myself than to explore the red side. At last, I see my image in the mirror. I look ugly, tired and pathetic. I lift the stone next to it and shatter the mirror into pieces. I am hopeless, devastated, judged, ignored, insecure, lonely, unsafe and unloved. I fall to my knees and bury them in my stomach. I cry restlessly and remember all the people I have done injustice to; people I have hurt; the guilt to harm myself also in the process.
The cool chamber has now lost all interest in me and has shown the ugliest side of me. I gather some energy and rush to the gate of the black chamber that proved me cold hearted with its coolness. I now know the filthy inhabitants of the black chamber. I muster a lot of courage to reach the common foyer that leads to the exit as well as the red chamber that emanated heat.
The cooler side was pathetic just imagine the warmer side! Black that absorbs no color has absorbed so much of negative. But the hotter side, the red side would be worse with flames and fire or demons ready to burn me out. My heart had more surface area of black than red but it is good as the red side would be even more hopeless. I have taken so many risks till now; I can’t risk leaving this exploration in the middle of it.
Hence, in my quest to explore the organ, I rush to the red door and slam it open. The walls, the floor are all red and warm. There is no heat as I expected. I am calmer and composed. I open the first door which has another door but the room is full of machines and gadgets. What are these here for? I run the first one which makes the second till the last one work consecutively and the last one brings me a sweet dish which tastes amazing. Oh! The first machine is hope and with hope all the machines start to run; cogwheels turn and I get the result in the form of sweetness. All I have to do is put in effort along hope as my input to my tasks.
With hope in my underarm, I walk to the only door and open it to find a semi flexible stick. I try walking with it, turning it, twisting it, bending it but it doesn’t break; my confidence. The very sight of it gives me radiance. I can do anything and achieve whatever I want. This room has nothing more to explore but another few gates to explore. I take this wonderful stick and choose one of the two doors and find all my friends sitting inside, joking, giggling, laughing, sharing stories and memories. One comes up and slowly pushes the stray strands of my hair in their right place. Another friend wipes all the sweat from my face while another offers water as he sees me tired. Now, I discover my parents who lovingly hug me and make me rest in their lap. Ah! I know what all this is true care!
After I meet everyone, I go to the other door and find a teddy bear which I used in my childhood when I used to sleep. So comforting, so secure, it made me feel! It feels as if it absorbs all the dangers and insecurities around me and feels always in company, always plural, never alone when scared. I hold the teddy, the stick and walk to the door where I enter with a smile.
On entering, everything disappears, the teddy, the stick, the memories, everything is gone. I am stark naked and this I know is detachment from every worldly thing or being. This feels so happy as compared to the black chambers. Happiness is the difference between the assumption of best and the worst, I realize.
Even in this naked state I still walk up to the last door and I open it with a bright smile. My soul is charged not with emotions but with positivism. The room is filled with lilies and all sorts of white flowers along white light. The fragrance is hypnotizing and all I feel is love and peace. Everything, as it exists, is perfect. Now there is neither ache nor pleasure; no sorrow or joy. I am complete, satisfied and at equilibrium. The heat I felt was nothing but the warmth that we all search in each other and within.
